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IN Desperate Need Of Some Serious Advice! :-( - Ask Advice Lady

About IN Desperate Need Of Some Serious Advice! :-(

Previous Entry IN Desperate Need Of Some Serious Advice! :-( May. 3rd, 2005 @ 05:31 pm Next Entry
Dear Readers,
My name is Laura, and I'm 21 years old. This is the first time I've ever come into this community, and I am in some absolute desperate need of advice. The situation I'm about to discuss is going to involve a LOT of details, so for your convenience, I will use a LiveJournal cut for those who do not want their friends' page taking up so much room. Please, anyone and everyone who does read this, I really need all the help I can get. Well, here goes:



*Name has been changed
I've been best friends with my friend *Marcy for eight years now. She was dating this guy named *Ron for a year-and-a-half. Ron was the first one of my friends' boyfriends who didn't just act nice to me out of obligation,but because he really wanted to get to know me.So when I met him, we became good friends.About a year into their relationship, they started to have some serious problems.Ron was feeling suffocated by Marcy because she was starting to become extremely clingy, posessive, and jealous; Ron was becoming bored, restless, wanting to spend time with the guys, and becoming unambitious with his future. Last summer, I started becoming attracted to Ron. Once I started to get these feelings,I felt ashamed and buried them so far down within myself that I forgot they wern't there. (the whole "if you don't see it, it doesn't exist" philosophy".)I kept the feelings so buried, that in all honesty, it was as if they were no longer there anymore, and I didn't feel anything for him at all. Well, in September, those two ended up breaking up. It was a bad breakup. The very night those two broke up, Marcy ended up sleeping with Ron's suitemate named *Chris(they're in college) and continued having a friends-with-benefits relationship with him. Ron and Chris were at odds with one another,but because they had to share a suite, they remained civil in one another's prescence.Not long after that, Marcy decided she'd go back to Ron as well, not in an actual relationship, but another sexual-thing.She was soon sleeping with BOTH guys, and yes, BOTH guys knew about it.They didn't like it,but they wouldn't say anything about it to each other or to Marcy. Ron finally put his foot down and told her he couldn't sleep with her anymore if she was going to be screwing his former good friend and suitemate, so he stopped, at Marcy's broken-hearted dismay. December rolled around, and Ron was extremely depressed. Not depressed because he broke up with Marcy(it was his idea,he'd wanted to do it for awhile) but depressed because of the way she was treating him.She'd used him when she felt like it, and then the very next day say things to cut his confidence down to size.So I was there for both Marcy and Ron as much as possible, but secretly sided with Ron.Granted,Ron had his faults, but I actually saw the way Marcy was treating him and it bothered me a lot,because this was not the Marcy that I became best friends with.Ron and I ended up having a conversation one evening,when he asked me:"Just outta curiosity, would you ever give me a chance if you wern't Marcy's best friend?" Without hesitation, I replied, "Yes, I would." And the ball got rolling from there. To make a long conversation short, Ron admitted that he'd started having feelings for me since August, but because he was with Marcy and I was her best friend,he felt horrible for it and was almost not going to tell me.(And just a disclaimer: I HAVE NEVER,EVER gone for a best friend's ex!! I'm NOT that kinda girl, I honestly don't know how I let this happen.) But seeing as to how it was December, and in two weeks I was moving from Connecticut to Kentucky to continue school at a 4-year university, he figured, "Why not tell her?" When he told me, all my feelings that I thought made go away came flooding back to the surface.Ron was always the best guy I knew:Funny, sincere, kind-hearted, generous, laid-back, talented, etc. and we shared MANY,MANY interests and views on life, it was weird how he ever went out with Marcy and not me. We agreed that: A.)Since I was Marcy's best friend;B.)That I was heading to Kentucky; and C.)That he wasn't ready for another relationship, that we were not going to pursue anything more than our feelings--but also, it would be detrimental to all of us to tell Marcy,so we had to keep it on the downlow.Well, I drove out there one weekend where they go to school,(believe it or not,was Marcy's idea since she knew him and I were close friends and I wouldn't get to see him again for a while) and well...A lot of things happened. I spent the weekend with him. We walked around Providence hand-in-hand, cuddled, kissed, and on my second night there, I did the UTMOST unthinkable:I let my feelings take control,and I ended up sleeping with him. I didn't feel any remorse or regret afterwards, but it totally brought us together emotionally.We were madly in love with one another,and deeply depressed that I was leaving New England for Kentucky.While being out here in Kentucky,Ron and I kept in touch everyday,via-phone,IM,LiveJournal,email,etc.Things couldn't be better! Even though we didn't have a "relationship" per se, we may as well have.He was always telling me how much he loved me, and really missed me and such, and we'd spend hours on end talking to one another.Well, it didn't take long for him to jump back into bed with Marcy. I told him before I left New England that if he had to do anything "to keep up appearances", that it was fine, but to PLEASE be forthright with me about anything he'd done with her.Well, the first time they slept together in the beginning of the semester, I didn't hear it from him--I heard it from Marcy. I ended up confronting him about,and caught him out in a lie. He apologize profusely, and told me that it wasn't going to be a regular thing with those two--it just happened, and he was sorry that he didn't tell me afterwards. It was still appearant,despite him sleeping with her, that he was in love with me,however, it happened another four or five times(probably more for all I know) that I've been out here, and everything began to go downhill between us in the beginning of March. He kept telling me over and over again, "I AM in love with YOU, NOT her!! I just do this because I'm so depressed, it's a distraction" and "Believe me, I'd rather throw a chair out the window or kick someone's ass than sleep with her, but if I'm not doing the first two, then all the better!" Again, things just went downhill, very quickly. And everytime I talked to Marcy, (again,she doesn't know about him and I) she gets so frustrated and confused because they sleep with each other, they cuddle, hold hands, kiss, and do everything couples do, but Ron tells her right after, "WE ARE NOT getting back together" and she can't stand the fact that he won't return the "I love you" to her when she says it. About a month ago, Ron and I got in the biggest blow-out ever, and he finally said:"I AM in love with you, I don't know what else I can do to prove it to you, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME ANYWAYS! I'm in love with you, but frankly Laura, right now I'd rather go back to the way things were with us before any feelings came out.I just can't handle it right now." Meanwhile, he has his random screw-sessions with Marcy...AND, he is falling for this girl on OkCupid that lives in Texas,and she will be coming up over the summer to see him. Marcy is extremely depressed and feeling used, as am I...But the one major thing she doesn't know is that Ron and I had feelings,and we acted upon them foolishly,and that Ron seems to be playing BOTH Marcy and myself. The friendship between Ron and I is dead almost entirely at this point:I was so angry one night that in a fit of impulsive rage, I ripped up his two favorite pictures of us into a million pieces, attached a Post-It note that said, "Here are the pieces of my broken heart. I cannot believe any longer. I'm sorrier than you ever know." and mailed it out to him.I'm sure he's gotten it by now, but I have not heard from him in any way,shape,or form, and given a couple of posts in his LiveJournal that are clearly directed towards me, things are pretty much over between us. I am returning home in ten days...And I JUST don't know what to do!! A couple people think I should tell Marcy what happened, whether it completely destroys our friendship or not.I really want to tell her, but I'm not sure how to do it...Especially since life is stressing her out right now, as both her uncle and grandfather are currently ill and she's trying her hardest to help her family out.


Please, ANYONE, I'm begging you...Weigh in on the situation. What should I do? About Marcy? About Ron? Should I bother contacting Ron? Should I tell Marcy what went on? How should I do it, and when? Please, pleeeease anyone...Help me out here. Thank you
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From:impatient_hands
Date:May 3rd, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
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i've definitely been in that situation, though it was in high school. my best friend jeremy was dating this girl heather and she started having feelings for me. well, i had no intention of doing anything with her, not only because jeremy was/is my best friend, but also because i had a crush on another girl. anyway, one night she and i went to a movie with some other mutual friends of ours. well, after the movie i was taking them home and we saw something going on in our school parking lot. so, we pulled in and parked and the other two got out of the car to go see what was going on. while they were gone, heather and i started making out. in the process of doing so, the other two came up to the car and saw us. we all pretty much promised that we wouldn't tell anyone, especially jeremy. since then we've all graduated from high school and gone our separate ways. jeremy still doesn't know, though i still keep in contact with both he and heather, who broke up soon after we made out for other reasons. i honestly kind of regret not telling him, but now it was just a silly high school relationship...even though they dated for a while. i guess if i could go back, i probably would have told him. i've been hurt too many times in the past in situations like this to be able to keep something like that from someone.

if i were you, i would suck it up and tell marcy. she deserves to know. it'll settle some of the hurt that's going around and maybe start some healing prcesses.

anyway, i hope that helped some. i hope you're able to work things out with the people involved. if you wanna talk more, i'm captainpants18 on AIM. good luck!
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